A major part of my writing includes my ex. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual partner, my first love, my first fiance, my first heartbreak.

I started dating later than we think of as the normal start. I had crushes through elementery, junior high, high school, and college. I tried to capture a few guys in college. I cried when one flat out denied me. I cried when the other said the timing was wrong. I was depressed, heavy, and had no self esteem. I knew I was great, that I had it in me to be with someone…I wanted that so badly but I never let it happen and it never seemed to want to happen.

I started dating at 23. I was in a different state, knowing I leave, and thought it was a great way to start. It was rough and dismal and I wasn’t committed, and then there was Brad. I won’t elaborate here, that’s what NanoWrimo is for, but I always said he was never part of the plan. He was there for three years, through terrible times at work, terrible health issues, and the death of a parent. And then, after a lot of turmoil in myself of knowing we might not work long term, he broke my heart.

And then I went crazy. I immediately started dating…and then lost myself over the first guy that seemed to be crazy for me. I felt amazing, until I didn’t. It was 6 months of recklessness. 6 months of trying to get myself to a point where I didn’t feel like I missed out on everything jumping into a deep relationship when I wasn’t ready and missing out on a year of opportunities because I didn’t know how to end things.

I read articles about games. I started listening to a podcast that encouraged me to be an adored woman. I gave up on the idea of a partner. I kept being reckless. I’m still a little reckless. I’m still evaluating my desires. It changes….mostly due to my own ideas of myself.

I know I’m desirable. I know I’m affectionate. I know I’m committed and intense and can be the biggest advocate to my partner. I know I’m emotionally fragile, I know I need alone time and want a partner that will be my everything but still let me cry in bed when I need to have a down day. I believe I want a partner, knowing I might not always love them to the same level every day. That we might need to reevaluate things occasionally. That we need choose to be with each other and build a life, much like close friends, and that we staying together is a choice. I want a person. I also know I don’t want one just to have one…I’d rather be single than temporarily the most important someone in someone’s life.

So for now, I will continue to review my recklessness, write about it, swipe on pretty and funny people that I might eventually meet, entertain the ones that enjoy my time, and pine after my few friends that I think would be good options. The next step will be letting one of them step up, or allow the universe to let them if it sees that in my future.

Again, it has only been one year since I had my heart broken by someone I said I would devote myself to for life.