Creative writing inspired by real events. We’ve been there, right, when you might fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same? A friend or stranger. It all still hurts but the yearning heart does heal.

I daydream of sitting with you. The warmth of your leg through your jeans. The freckles on your forearm as I feel the muscles under your skin.
I daydream of mundane things with you. Grocery shopping. Folding laundry. Not speaking but just existing in the same room as we work.
I daydream for a time where I’m not anxious from delayed responses. Unsure plans are no longer real and I know exactly how you feel about me. I daydream about when we move past just infatuation and wondering if you will want to be mine one day.
I daydream about you thinking about me the way I think of you. I daydream about the day my daydreams are memories and predictions of days to come.

But now those daydreams scare me. I find myself denying everything I feel. I keep you at a safe distance and cry because I left you there. I fixate on your flaws and try to tell myself to not want you. Life, wants, communication, past, interests. I search and search to the point I’m no longer sure they are real issues or my fears. I convince myself that everything is wrong.
I compare you to past lovers. I insist that I’m too interested in you. That you live on a pedestal and I will look back to see I was blind. But then we finally talk after what feels like years and I know I don’t want to lose you.
So I don’t let myself want you.
I don’t want to think of you like that.
I don’t want you to be more because I’m afraid I will not have you again. I read about attachment styles and realize that maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe I’m self sabotaging. Or maybe I know things won’t work out. You’ve already told me you don’t see me that way. I want to respect that but at one point it felt like you did. At one point, I didn’t want you or see you as I do now.
But then sat back and daydreamed. And that is when the tables turned. And now I’m faced with letting those feelings fade. But what if they don’t? Can I still have you in my life while I want more.
Do you feel it? Can you read it in every time we talk? Are you aware? You must be. Or maybe you are not and I’m really cold enough to convince you that I don’t daydream about you. You might think we are on the same page then, that we are just casually in each other’s lives. Or are you convinced that I don’t want you and you are pushing me away to, keeping me at bay for your own preservation?
Do you tell anyone about me? I don’t. I feel awkward saying your name. I doubt anyone knows I know you, that you exist. Do those in your life know me? Am I just some girl? A friend? Someone you daydream about? Will you ever tell me? I’m not sure I will.

I daydream about my ideal person. They have no face and no specific qualities. They like what I like. They make me laugh. They stir something in me. They put me in their top five priorities. They are loyal. They are kind. And I am terrified to find them because I just daydream. What if I put those into a corporeal form and am disappointed? What if I miss read the signs? What if I over-think or under-think or commit too early and watch the real one go by? What if I make the same mistakes as the past? What if I’m currently convincing myself that the one I see now isn’t right and let it go? What if I don’t get another chance?

So I continue to look for others. Maybe we can be friends at some point. Maybe I’ll finally see someone else like that, someone that does want me back. I let myself be okay with how we serve this role in each others lives right now. You have your life and friends. You have time and activities outside of our little chats. I get you half time now and I’m afraid to cut that short. I should. I should let you go. I should.

I’ll just daydream about you and savor our small interactions. I will cherish you and wish for happiness in your life. I want you to find it even as it drives me crazy while I “what-if” my heart into unnecessary heartbreak. I daydream of love in fear of finding it in life.